Struggles

It’s been quite on this blog since I started my classes, I know. I was never the best at time planning, but I’m getting better. I’ve been here more then once over the last couple of weeks, trying to write about this internal struggle I’ve had but couldn’t seem to find the right words. Then, two days ago I came across this quote that really spoke to me, and was just what I needed to hear (or read) to be reaffirmed in my reasons and beliefs.

“It doesn’t matter what other people do, it only matters what kind of person you want to be!”

Rabbi Mordecai Finley

You see, on the outside I might seem like a very confident person. At least, this is what people have been telling me. But I’m really not. I’ve been having a hard time to stop comparing myself to others, especially in the gym. More and more women have been starting to visiting the gym I go to. Women who lift weights. Women who look buff. And cut. And strong. More muscular than me, leaner than me, stronger than me. And while I know it’s stupid comparing myself and my body to them, and be jealous, I am. Yes, I think it’s great that women stop believing that lifting weights will make them look like a man, and that there are more women venturing into the weight room, and still it makes me feel little. It makes me feel less bad ass, and I feel like I need to prove to myself, and them, that I’m stronger. You’re using 20lbs dumbbells, I will use 25lbs! You’re going for ten repetitions? I’ll do twelve! And while this might actually help me improve my strength, it’s still unnecessary. I know that. But I can’t seem to stop.

So in a quest to gain more, get bigger, get stronger than all these other women in the gym I became very inpatient with myself. I started questioning my habits, my diet, my reasoning for why I choose to eat plant-based. For a second, I was thinking about eating meat again, that maybe I do need that animal protein to gain, even though that same thought grossed me out at the same time. I was considering it. I asked some people whose opinion I value and trust for input on that matter, my teacher (who is a meat eater), folks at the gym, and vegan ladies who lift. To my surprise, even the first two (carnivores!) reassured me to stick to my diet, to stick to my values, since of course, they already realized what took me much longer to see, starting to eat meat again won’t make me happy either. It won’t help me gain if I’m disgusted by the food I eat. I enjoy eating food, food is amazing, and I want to keep it that way. There’s no good in seeing food as the enemy. And then the quote was the last little bit of affirmation I needed. Now I got a meal plan that should help me reach my goals, I’m reading “Thrive – A Vegan Nutrition Guide to Optimal Performance in Sports and Life” by Brendan Brazier, and I feel so much better.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it isn’t always easy. There will be rocks laying in our path, but what matters is how we deal with them. Do we stop, turn back, or do we find a way around or over them?

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